Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
