When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
