I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
