I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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