Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
