Swine flu. Run for my life!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
