We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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