hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
