When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The uberlube is also flammable
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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