My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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