i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
