I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We are all done wearing pants today
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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