Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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