She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
