I never want to see another naked old woman again.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
