Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
