Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
