Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
