i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
