made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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