dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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