he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
