i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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