peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
