i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
