Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
