im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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