That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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