i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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