Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
