i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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