You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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