This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
