I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
