Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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