so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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