and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
