In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
