Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
