After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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