my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
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