So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
