Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
