remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
