Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
where are my eyebrows?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
