turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
