i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
