I have demons in me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
