you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
