The maid of honor just puked.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
